why I have been quiet

I’ve been quiet on this space for a while. That hasn’t been out of laziness or lack of something useful to say. Rather, I’ve been silent out of concern over who’s been reading my blog.

I have attracted a stalker, you see.

It started not quite three months ago, when I was approached by someone posing as a potential business client. I won’t go into the details — because it’s unnecessary on this blog, and because it all still frustrates me so — but this person, Mr. X*, has sent letters and packages to my home throughout the summer. He has mentioned details of my life that disturb me, and which in some cases he had no reason to even know about.

I have been both angered and frightened by his behavior, and it has caused a great deal of stress for me and for those around me. And I’m not even Mr. X’s main target — he only latched onto me because of my association with someone else he’s obsessed with.

I’ve been speaking with the local police and the FBI about Mr. X’s activities. It’s not fun to have to call the police to my home on a regular basis, and I’ve had to reassure the neighbors about the patrol cars that keep parking in my driveway.

I have been nervous about blogging — not wanting to share too much information (or any information) about myself, and not wanting to accidentally tip off Mr. X about any activities I might engage in.

This has hurt me professionally — not only from stealing focus away from my work, but also making me hyper-sensitive about the stories I’m able to work on and about setting up interviews with strangers. Indeed, this person found me through my byline. I have additionally had to back off from my engagement with the Oregon News Incubator and the really productive and effective work parties we’ve been holding around town of late, simply because I don’t want to advertise where I’m going to be at any particular day and time.

If you’ve never been stalked before, imagine that there’s someone out there — someone whose face you’ve never seen, someone you’ve never met — who might possibly be tracking your every move. Someone who keeps contacting you against your wishes, trying to get you to meet him outside the city in a hotel with no telephones (possibly so you can’t call for help), mailing you movie schedules with showtimes circled, sending you letters about how he’s been convicted of stalking in the past but was set-up — letters that get more desperate as time passes…. Even though you told him to go away nearly three months ago. Even though you’ve since followed your own gut instinct (and police advice) to not respond further.

Try that reality 24×7 and see how your life holds up.

Mr. X has written to me about evangelism (never a good sign), trips I’ve taken that I didn’t publicize, my boyfriend and my work. He also routinely fills his letters with references to his main stalking target — a friend and colleague — and to his health and legal problems.

I’m lucky in that there haven’t yet been any acts of violence — but this is not my first experience with this sort of behavior, and I know how things can escalate. Because I don’t know what Mr. X looks like, I have no idea if he’s shown up in my neighborhood, though I think not since this is a tightly knit community. But I’m still anxious when I leave the house to run errands, meet a friend or go to a meeting. One friend recently dreamt that I was riding public transit but kept changing buses to confuse my stalker, and was always looking over my shoulder in case he managed to follow me. That’s very much what I’ve felt like these past months.

And I’m nervous when I collect the day’s mail. Will there be another letter? Is today the day Mr. X overtly threatens someone I care about, or encloses dangerous materials?

Might Mr. X read this blog entry and react violently?

I had a good conversation with another journalist and stalking victim over the weekend. Dahna Chandler has begun blogging about her experience of being stalked — for more than a decade — and has stated rather bluntly that she simply doesn’t have the time nor the patience to be intimidated. She acknowledges that her story may sound pretty “out there,” but — like any good journalist — she has been strategically gathering evidence to document her experience.

I, too, have been documenting what’s been happening with Mr. X. When he sent a box of wrapped gifts to my home — ostensibly from someone else in another city — I rounded up contact information for the supposed sender and spoke to him about his signature being forged and his identity being borrowed. Maybe Mr. X has forgotten that journalists research and talk to people for a living. We’re rather good and digging up information and getting to the truth.

I still detest my situation, and I vacillate between courage and caution when it comes to my personal and professional lives and my blog space. I am grateful to the understanding and diligent men and women of the Portland Police and the FBI — and hope that this can all be resolved quickly and without further traumatic incident. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.

* Make no mistake. I use this pseudonym (“Mr. X”) not to protect the stalker, but to protect myself from any potential backlash, legal or otherwise. This individual has been known to file lawsuits against anyone he feels has infringed on his stalking activities — including judges who have presided at his trials, police and parole officers, attorneys and the like.